@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

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@amusedbyu

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

@jlock17

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

@traciebreaux

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

@GrahamKritzer

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

@VerbsRProudest

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

@Shut_up_Marissa

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

@xerxesbigboy

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.