I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.