I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

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I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.


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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”


I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.



Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it


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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.