I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

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I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.


I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.


Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect


Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.


*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.


Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!


Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.


Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.