I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
![]()
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!