@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

You Might Also Like

@DrunjAF

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

@jwoodham

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

@Alex_Houseof308

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

@HooeyDr

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@wienerherzog

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.