I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I feel seen
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY