It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
who wants to go expliring
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters