If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire