Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
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I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you