Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.