I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
You Might Also Like
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.