Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar