Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
The booster protects against what, now?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Tell me you get it…🤣
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction