@WilliamAder

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

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@ThinkingSavage

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

@AimeeHelene1

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

@MorticiaKate

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

@TheHatStore

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

@GrantTanaka

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

@djdarrellripley

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

@flashember

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

@XplodingUnicorn

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.