If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!