The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:![]()
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Erm I’m gonna say no
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.