If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
How it started: How it’s going:
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.