My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
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Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Shoo shoo! 😂
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.