My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?


Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things


My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*


{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.


(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon


Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.


Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!


Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run


The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.


[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd