My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

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Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.


Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.


The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.


Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks


An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.


there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.


Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?


When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail