I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
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Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!