Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
RT if you could go either way.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Mission: Impossible
You got this…
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*