Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
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Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I get distracted pretty eas
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed