My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Poetry is my passion
That eye roll….
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
finally found a reasonable question
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part