I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”