we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors