My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
just make the entire table out of coaster
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
He wanted to make sure😂
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.