My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.