I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Always 🥴
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…