My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
me working on my assignments ^-^
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.