Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!