Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
You Might Also Like
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
🔦🌙👣
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you