When does CPR become necrophilia?
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.