Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.