that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Where is your GOD now????
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Brands during Pride
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.