11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Did my cat write this
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Life hack
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
my first day as a raccoon
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.