Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.