Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
#Caturday
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️