*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
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Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.