*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
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Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Oh boy, $150,000!
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when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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