on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Snapes on a plane.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
so i’m at the stock market right
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.