You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark