My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.