CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Received some very disappointing news today
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.