First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
You Might Also Like
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Just me?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler