First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
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When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Ladies, why y’all do this?
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.