First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
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My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Therapist: They don’t
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
A family that plays together cheats.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.