It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother