WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway