Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”