[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
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Biden: Okay.![]()
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.