[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !