Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken