[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
them: go home.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken