The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.