Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Saw online –
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I saw nothing
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.