I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Oh hi lol
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.