[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
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imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.