Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!