Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.