[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.