Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
nice challenge
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.