@beefman138 When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
@DBMaxP Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
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@beefman138 
@AnnietheNanny1 Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
@UnIxphysco If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
@WritingWilkie The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
@Priscilla_YEAH Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
@metickleu I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
@walterjean182 Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
@traciebreaux *at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
@TheAlexP *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
@VerbsRProudest Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?