@DBMaxP

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

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@beefman138

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

@WritingWilkie

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

@Priscilla_YEAH

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

@metickleu

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

@walterjean182

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

@traciebreaux

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@VerbsRProudest

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?