Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls